While looking for a job I have been temping. So far I have worked in two places. This upscale costume jewelry company in SOHO where I toiled away in the dungeon shipping hundreds of plastic bracelets worth thousands of dollars. It was thrilling.
Just this week I had my first go at being a receptionist. I was on the 42nd floor of a skyscraper right in Bryant Park. While my supervisor showed me how to set out bottles of water for meetings, she mentioned that you need 10 million dollars to even walk through the front door. Then stressed the importance of setting out a variety of sodas.
Slightly interested and underwhelmed I took the the desk with a phone with many flashing red buttons waiting for my fingers to fly. Two hours later the phone sits silent and I have discovered I don’t even have access to my mail account. I take to googling everything on the Internet. Everything to me is mostly jobs and TasteSpotting, which thankfully wasn’t blocked.
However after eight hours even food loses its draw; so I being to draw, and doodle, making large ink images. As my pen moves and I stare out at the Manhattan skyline on a floor that many people dream about working. I deeply see how much that dream isn’t mine. I don’t want luxury, I don’t need to be monetarily rich, I don’t need anything that leads to me to an environment this sterile. A place where my biggest achievement was setting out lunch. I need to be creative, I need to live where squares aren’t the shape of choice. I read once that people who are extremely wealthy tend to be less human. Like the freedom of their money made them forget the struggles of humanity. That may be true for some and not for others, like all things.
Either way I want to live with humans, animals, maybe even some aliens if they are so inclined. I’m just looking for a place where trees scrape the sky, and peoples’ feet are on the ground and their thoughts are with the clouds.
I’m reading The Alchemist right now, I understand the hype but I can also see why my friend labeled it as overrated before she handed it over. Anyway I’m enjoying it for what it is. There is this line early on that reads, “It’s the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting…” I found it striking as it describes pretty accurately my present state. It is not only the dream being actualized but the steps you take to get there. When you realize that it could happen and suddenly everything is colored differently.
This all started I guess two years ago when I went to Strasbourg, France for a semester abroad which turned into a year abroad when I decided to go to Manchester, England for my second semester. I think that is when I really started seeing everything in my life differently, I realized how capable I was of actively searching for whatever I wanted rather than living in some prescribed role. There was no drastic moment, no light bulbs shattered. Honestly, it was slow and unnoticeable. You do change while you travel, but while you’re travelling you’re really just adapting. I just liked what I was adapting to. OK so somewhere along the way I also got really interested in sustainability. I’ve always loved the outdoors and hiking even though I’m from Brooklyn where the wild things are the rats on the subway. But still somehow my only camp experience was a three week camping trip through Canada when I was 13.
But I started thinking about nature and food production in a really serious way and I just love hearing and learning about it. So my last semester in school I did an independent study about Literature & Sustainability which really took on a life of its own and really became about how people derive pleasure and how our societal constructs have taken us away from many forms of pleasure… which is a whole other tangent.
Throughout the course my professor, who was fantastic, really guided me to consider going to grad school for this, science communication or whatever the title may be. I really wanted to go back to Europe and WWOOF and then also looking at grad schools seem to be the perfect pairing. I suppose it still is. But the more time passes it is becoming apparent that having the script in my head come to life is just a little more challenging than anticipated. But perhaps it is just allowing myself to take more time, it is mine after all.
I’ve wanted to start this blog for a long time, a long time being a little over a month. I wanted to start from a place of settledness , a place where tomorrow I would have the same hour to blog as today. But that settled place I envisioned doesn’t exist for me yet. I wanted to share the struggles of a post-grad with a bundle full of dreams who somehow figured out how to make them come into existence with few tears and wounds. I’ve been impatiently waiting to become this person. I feel as if I am on this platform, staring at an approaching trains’ light, hearing the sound of the engine, but it’s suspended unable to arrive and pick me up. Now for my first post all I want to share as I sit rubbing the stress into my eyes, is that I was so excited for the bubble of college to pop. But I didn’t realize exactly what that bubble was keeping out, I am drowning in all of the variables. My friend who I studied abroad with said she felt post-college life was independent but somehow restrictive; I think she is right. This new found independence just means we are free to assume all the uncertainties and doubt that comes with our choices. And we are restricted to the social and economic situation that is current in our society today. But I am also free to let myself off the hook, and see uncertainty, and quite a bit of rejections, as opportunities.